If
by Timonx3
Summary: If he had just been a normal teenager, if John and Helen Rider hadn't died that day, if he wasn't the cat in the old saying about how curiosity kills... what if, what if, what if? -Slash. ONESHOT.


**BE WARNED! GUH! I'm really gonna regret posting this in the morning. I just know it.  
I have no idea where this came from. Once again, I was _trying_ to write Temporary, but nothing would come out right, and now I have a slash oneshot? Wtf?  
This was written in the middle of the dark night... xO plus, I've no spellcheck.  
Feel free to complain about this. I need to know that I shouldn't write these sort of things. And this has no plot! Guh!  
Uh, yeah. **

**It's slash, my dear. You'd never know by just reading the first lines, though.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Alex Rider. Mwaha.  
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It wasn't so much knowing that he was so _different_ that hurt, but rather seeing the normality around him.

When he was hiding from certain death, fooling his enemies, shooting and actually being shot _at_, taking a new identity, flying across the world, leaving everything behind... it didn't particulary _hurt_.

Sure, he didn't like it, and if he could go back in time and prevent himself from almost getting crushed in a car and swinging on a flag pole, he would; but it was all a rather bittersweet deal – the adrenaline was addicting and to know, just _know_, that he made a difference, helped people, _his existance had a meaning_, was wonderful. He had a purpose, in that way.

But all he missed out on...

It was seeing all the usual things, the normality, mundane day-to-day life... it was that part that really _hurt_.

Knowing what and where he could have been, what he _could_ have experienced; all the things teenagers did, from dating to drinking to studying to simply hanging out to pranking to find out what "emotional rollercoaster" means from a teenage point of view, and _all that_...

It was seeing people that could have been his friends, the people who worked in stores, it was all the gossip that naturally flew about, seeing real _families_...

If John and Helen Rider hadn't died that day, by their best friend's hand; or if Ian Rider hadn't chosen to train his nephew, hadn't had him learning karate and various languages... would that have resulted in Alex being like everyone else? Would he have been normal, mundane, a real teenager? Or would MI6 find a way to sneak into his life anyway?

If he hadn't been forced at the tender age of fourteen to work for MI-_bloody_-6, would he end up becoming a spy anyway, out of free will? It was in his blood, after all... or would he have fulfilled his dream and managed to become a famous football player?

What if, what if, what _if_...

But if all those thing had not taken place, Alex knew that he wouldn't be who he was. And it wasn't just about him; Jack wouldn't have been married to George the comedian, if she hadn't stayed in the UK for him. Though that was really just a minor detail, if you counted all the lives that had been lost if Alex hadn't stopped Damien Cray and General Alexei Sarov and Scorpia and all the other villains he had encountered.

What about James Sprintz? James definitely hadn't been who he was, if the two of them hadn't met at Point Blanc... sure, it was a very unpleasant and traumatic experience, but James had still been an immature, rebellious, badass without that certain experience. Now being rebellious wasn't always bad, but there _were_ limits...

K-Unit? They would never have been the same, without their little Cub (as Eagle so kindly put it). Not to mention, getting a kid on their hands had forced them to reconsider a lot of things, and made them grow as a team. They all had each other and that bond would always remain as strong, though Wolf did look quite dangerous when he threatened to throttle the person who called him in the middle of the night and exploited that bond by asking for help. Or tried to use that bond to get bailed out of a prison at three in the morning... which he had growled with a menacing glare at Eagle. Alex still didn't know whether to smirk or frown at the memory.

And if all those things had not occurred... if those things had never happened, he wouldn't be lying in a big, overly soft bed that was not _technically_ his; he would not be hopelessly entangled in white sheets with coffee stains; he would not feel so at home in this small, incredibly messy, but cosy apartment that belonged to a man that was almost ten years older than him; he would not be in love with said man, either. In fact, had he not been the cat in that old saying about how curiosity kills, he would never have met this man... the man that was sleeping soundly beside him, not snoring but instead just _breathing_ quite loudly.

But still, Alex would always find himself comparing the advantages with the disadvantages...

Had this job not added twenty years, _or_ _more,_ to his mind? He was far wiser than any sixteen-year-old boy should ever have to be. He had been through more than most adults had or would _ever_ be.

But it had also formed him, ruined his former sense of justice but replaced it with something better. He didn't see the world in black and white any longer, but in _gray_; nothing was completely good or completely evil, and, really, was that not a fairer way to look at it?

And Alex would be stuck like this, coming up with new arguments for either side all the time. It was seriously tearing on his mental health...

Around two hours into the argument, the almost-ten-year-older-lover would awaken, see the troubled frown and kiss it away with a smug smile...

"God, Ben, did you even brush your teeth last night? Your morning breath is _horrible_."

"Good morning to you too, Alex." Ben would always reply and look offended, though Alex always suspected it was fake, and then roll out of bed and head for the bathroom.

And as Alex remained in the bed, not quite up to trying to disentangle himself from the sheets just yet, he would think it all through again and suddenly find many advantages of choosing the life he was currently living...

Admittedly, Ben _was_ a rather prominent "advantage".

...the "what if"s would melt away and leave the feeling of being unbelieveably _happy_ in their wake.

And though Alex didn't really fancy sounding or seeming or _being_ a sappy, smutty, hopeless romantic, he couldn't actually help it – Eagle and Jack were rubbing off on him. And Ben sort of had that effect on him, too.


End file.
